Love is a virtue filled with extremely positive energy. It lays an invisible but strong foundation in our life and is a source of motivation and inspiration. People lacking love are normally less motivated and less happier, as compared to those having love in their own nature and in their relationships. But when the energy of love is not used properly, the result can be painful.
When we love someone, a very positive emotional connect develops between the two of us. Both of us become ‘givers’ of love. But at some point, our love may turn into an attachment for that person. Attachment is negative energy that makes us dependent on the person. So when we create a feeling of dependency, it becomes easy for the other person to dominate and control our thoughts, feelings and emotions. We lose our emotional and mental freedom and succumb to their control. Our every action will contain an impression of the other person.
This energy exchange depletes us. When we are weak and incapable of filling the emotional hollowness by ourselves, we create desires, wants and expectations from the other person. Thus we shift from being ‘givers’ to ‘seekers’. When our love is mixed with desires of gain, we feel the need to control the other person. We finally experience more pain as the truth is that we cannot control other people.
We can see how we came under the control of the other person the moment love changed to attachment. As attachment built up, we desired to control them. Such relationships only bring suffering and sorrow to both individuals. Happy moments will be few and short-lived. Let us love people but not be attached. Let us start giving unconditional love – an energy where we only want to give and not take or expect. It empowers and heals us but never hurts or inflicts pain.
POSSESSIVENESS AND DOMINATION IN RELATIONSHIPS
Family relationships a source of happiness and love, sometimes create negative shades of possessiveness and domination, complexes and dependencies. These are widespread ailments existing in our family relationships today, but we can heal them.A common sign of dominance or possessiveness is a lack of respect for people close to us.
As a result of an un-respectful consciousness, we sometimes behave with our near ones, like maybe our spouse or children or siblings or parents, in such an offensive manner, which we never would with people who are not close to us. It’s not just a question of mannerisms, but of inner respect for the other.Often in families positions of senior and junior are created based on age, relationship or role, leading to feelings of superiority and inferiority, the effects of which start penetrating into the relationship. E.g. a mother-in-law can be very dominating and takes it for granted her son and daughter-in-law will obey her always. Or an elder brother or sister orders around a younger sibling, not giving him/her enough space in which to speak his or her own mind and express himself/herself, leading to an inferiority complex in the younger sibling. Or a wife is extremely possessive of her husband, not giving him enough personal freedom.
Once created, these behaviors become sanskars. We carry these sanskars of dominating or being dominated with us in this lifetime and in future births also. We create new relationships, but our sanskar pattern remains the same unless we heal it.
HEALING RELATIONSHIPS
If we interact through the consciousness of our acquired labels of relationships like – “My mother, my husband, my child, my boss, my staff, my driver” – we either try to control others or allow ourselves to be controlled by others. Both are negative behaviors caused due to lack of self respect. We do not know who “I” the self is, and therefore do not understand the other.
Spirituality explains that we souls are actors playing different roles of relationships and responsibilities. Regular practice of meditation enables us to experience soul consciousness so that we can carry that experience into all our relationships. When we internalize the self as a soul and be aware of soul qualities, we respect our self. We do not seek respect or love from others. We see everyone as a soul so our respect for them also remains intact. We will no longer feel a need to manipulate, but instead we radiate vibrations of harmony, love, care and respect in every relationship.
From this strong soul-conscious spectator point, there is an inner detachment. Detachment from our role, position, from always being right, from the idea that others should be our way. This detachment makes us powerful inside and power for us is no more in being able to control others. This detachment allows us to accept souls with their sanskars and radiate unconditional love and respect. Detachment from roles allows us to radiate love always and to everyone.
— By Sister BK Shivani